Previous Next One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. '' The assistant says, ''00.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.” The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.” The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.” The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. " I said, "I can't make Tuesdays." "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'.I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'" "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. ' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?
Q: Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? A: A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred Q: Why is marriage is like a violin?
(More) All these jokes are now illustrated at my new Programming Comic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Software Development Cycles , reason 0 being that he has limited cache.
His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.” At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors. ENTER: Northerner talk fer, “C’mon in, y’all.” CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun.
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck. A: One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open! A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot Q: How is marriage different than most wars?
A: it's the only war where you sleep with the enemy. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.